My bike never looks sparkling clean. Don't get me wrong, I don't neglect it: the gears and brakes and chain are all in tip top working order but I never get it as sparkling and shiny as Sheldon gets his.
My bike is a beast: a sweating, pulsating, throbbing trail beast that sweats oil. It is a thing of purpose, not a toy to be polished and coveted, but a piece of evil, twisted machinery built to be ridden, and ridden hard. It has no time for spit and polish, it will not thank you for having shiny clean hubs and sparkling rims. All it wants is for it's gear shifting to be smooth , the brakes to be able to stop it on a penny, and the shock to be nice and plush. Apart from that, it loves mud, sweat, blood and action, and needs to be ridden to within an inch of it's life, and it keeps coming back for more. Spending a week under a coating of Scottish filth and grime will not harm the Beast. Actually it may even enjoy it.
So, how should I clean it?
As we all know bike maintence is an arse when you loving steed is glad in English mud. The best way to get round this is to cover the whole bike in cling film, any will do. Once you have finished your ride, just strip it off and hey... you have a clean bike!. No more dirty hands!
If for some reason you have run out of Swarfega Hand Cleanser after the mammoth bike clean/maintence session. Just use normal soap with a table spoon of sugar. Create a lather with the soap and sugar, the sugar will act as grit to remove stubborn stains. Just wash off a normal.
Pain is temporary, glory is forever, scars are permanent but you can always spend £200 on repairing your broken bike.