Fanylion Mountain Bike Team
Official site of the Fanylion Mountain Bike Team. Includes mountain bike ride guides, gear reviews, bike maintenance, team reports and rider profiles of the Fanylion Racing Team.
Glentress and Dalbeattie
February 21, 2004, Scotland
An extraordinary drive to Scotland with Shorts and I making good progress at 90mph on the motorway, Team Starkey refuses to drive any faster than 70mph. However once we leave the motorway and hit the twisty roads towards Selkirk, Starkey sets off like a madman, doing 100mph+. Very strange.
We arrive at Glentress unscathed and only 15mins late, Dan waiting for us at The Hub. Pre-ride Team photo, saddled up and off, Techno, Shorts and Dan all about to pop their Glentress cherries.
Shack’s bike immediately begins to generate a torturous squeak, as though he has a gerbil trapped in his hubs, and we all do our best to pretend he isn’t with us. As we climb away from The Hub, the pack is split immediately, with Dan, Techno and myself taking the lead, Shack and his gerbil a little way behind and the others in the tailing party. It is bitterly cold, and whilst nice and warm when pedalling, once we stop we soon get cold. This very quickly leads to a split in the group as Dan, Techno and I forge ahead at our own pace and leave the rest to their own devices, an unfortunate but necessary course of action due to the freezing temperatures.
After a long fire road detour of the first technical section (reason unknown: trail repairs I assume) we start the meandering climb up to The Kipps. We can see the rest of the Team way behind us as we pass Sheldon’s café hut and power on, keen to ride the BMX berms and jumps. Techno and Dan lap up the high fast bermed corners down from The Kipps and we wait for the others before the slow granny ring pain that is Dunslaire Heights. By the time Shack has caught us we are shivering and set off again without them, keen to get another sweat on and get warmed up.
After earning valuable Altitude Tokens on the climb, we scoot past Dunslaire Heights in a re-enactment of our 7 Nation Army video and enter the trees for more BMXing. I put the power down in an attempt to lose Dan, and manage to for a while, my familiarity with the section giving me the advantage I need. We rocket past a blonde haired biking goddess on a full suss Giant, and start to reel in her hardtailed boyfriend as the trail becomes loose, washed out and erection inducing. As we regroup at the bottom Dan mentions something about the trail being very ‘Chamonix-like’, before we are off again, heading for the fanytastic* Horseburgh Hope descent.
Horseburgh Hope is Hodgson’s domain. I defy anybody to beat me down this section: Brian Lopes, Eric Carter, Steve Peat, I will take you all on, and you will lose. I lead the way with Dan behind and Techno bringing up the rear. We are ripping it, riding the ragged edge of control as we fly past a couple with two dogs - should they be on the trail? - no time to think as stray boulders, water splashes, berms and excellent loose turns with loads of braking ruts make our rear wheels skitter about with brake jack as we hang onto our Hopes and rail the corners. We realise all our Altitude Tokens have been cashed in as we start the torturous Katie’s Well Climb, and Dan takes the lead, displaying all of his King of Loriaz royalty, making Techno and I look like a pair of fat peasants. This man is a machine. Boy Band, you appear to have a rival for the mantle of fittest Team member.
After a quick Mars bar stop, we are descending again, going down faster than a whore in a cock shop, quick rocky drops coupled with smooth bermed singletrack, sweet, popping out of the trees and climbing up to Ewok woods, ready for some North Shore action.
On our three previous visits to Glentress, Team FanyLion have been intimidated by all this timber shit, but today we are determined to ride it, come hell or high water, fire and brimstone or death by falling off a wooden walkway. And ride it we do, oh yes. The first two obstacles are ridden with ease, no surprise there, we have ridden them before. The third contraption is longer, gets narrower, has steps in it and is higher, and once you are on it you have to keep going or risk falling off/hurting yourself/looking gay. We persevere with this baby, taking it in turns to ride with the other two walking at the side to catch us in case we fall (whether they could/would have we never found out, but it gave us confidence) and after a few attempts we have all manage to ride to the impossible bend in the walkway, where the planks turn too tightly for a bike to fit without dropping off. We have no idea how you are supposed to ride it and give up, pleased to have got as far as we have, especially Dan, who, riding with SPD’s declared himself “…probably a bit too Jey for this North Shore stuff”.
Next obstacle is the huck drop. Fancying myself as a bit of a huckster I ride up first and nail it, dropping the couple of feet off the trail and onto the landing slope smoothly. Booyakka. Dan is next up and lands nose first but smooth as butter. Techno last, landing front wheel first, heavily, ungracefully, like a pregnant walrus. Two or three attempts later and we are all improving, Dan smoother than a shaven haven, and Sam entering the wider world of drops, hucking and jumps. I may have even started styling up my drops, though this remains to be confirmed by Dan and Sam.
Next up is the teeter-totter (Canadian for seesaw), a 15-foot long plank of wood, pivot point about 3 feet off the ground. I walk it first and am amazed at the odd sensation of the plank falling away beneath me. Riding up the teeter with Sam and Dan either side for support I ride too slowly, losing my balance before the totter begins to drop. With Sam holding me upright I half ride half tumble off the end, unscathed. More speed needed. Techno is up next, and rides faster and straighter, nailing the teeter-totter first time. Dan also manages to ride the obstacle, but isn’t too keen to repeat the feat with his SPD’s. Techno couldn’t get enough of the teeter, and by the time the chase group arrives some 45mins behind us he is launching off the teeter like it is a jump, almost landing before the totter has time to drop.
Ewok attacks the North Shore in his usual fearless manner, taking a good tumble before he masters the wooden planks. Ben (also in SPD’s) takes on the challenge of the teeter-totter and wins, as does Ewok. Shack and Sheldon are far too gay for anything other than the first two sections, and sit holding one another’s hands and discussing knitting.
A failed attempt (going too slowly) at a stupid jump with hidden tree stump sends me over the bars and into a shoulder pained heap. If you haven’t fallen off you haven’t been riding hard enough (or fast enough, apparently).
Other lads on DMR hardtail and Orange Patriot also fail to ride the tight bend in the wooden planks, when two MTB Gods ride into view. Shaven legged XC race whippets on skinny bikes with flat bars and 1.9 tyres fly onto the planks and show us how to do it, riding a rolling endo around the bend that prevents their back wheel dropping off the plank. Nailing the teeter-totter with gusto, even stopping at the pivot and bunny-hopping sideways to the ground 3 feet below in full control, it is amazing to see true XC race whippets with such stupendous bike handling skills, and we bow low in their presence.
We are satisfied with our work and head off, taking the Black Bitch steps with ease, then nailing the Veranda obstacle, which looks near vertical when viewed from the start, but is easily conquered once you get into it. Another steep drop nailed, a quick buzz along the long flat log (never ridden before) and we regroup feeling charged and ready to tackle the Whistler Bike Park 15foot high 3inch wide sections in Canada next year.
After Techno has fixed his puncture we are all starting to feel the cold. Hands numb from fingertips to mid palm, we struggle to control our bikes down Jake the Snake, but survive. Sheldon does his best to take out a spectating rider on a hybrid bike by throwing himself at the poor chap mid descent. Nice work.
With Ben suffering leg cramps, the Team heads for the final descent, and Shack takes the lead on his favourite section of trail. Unexpectedly two new drops have been constructed since our last visit, the first rideable by lowering your front wheel and arse hanging, the second best nailed by a nice big huck onto the run out three feet below. Awesome. Give me more. Shack and I bond for the final swoopy section back to The Hub: Team FanyLion queers, hot inside, cold outside, nipples hard, penises softening as we return to the cars to get changed and eat baked beans and eggs, toasties, coffee and hot chocolate at The Hub, then head for Dumfries: there is meat to be eaten.
Shack navigates us on an amazingly scenic route from Glentress towards Moffat, a bladder release stop with a Fox watching us from an adjacent field and as the sun sets we are on a North Shore fuelled high. We arrive at our usual place of residence in Dumfries, Hazeldean House and Billy and Wilma welcome us into their beautiful Victorian mansion, where hot water, soap, fluffy towels and crisp white bed linen are a welcome relief from our sweat and flatulence polluted vehicles. We shower and change quickly, and set off into town to meet our old friend John Henry.
It is then that one of the most amazing, maddest things ever happens to us. A 2-seater sports car pulls up just as we are leaving the hotel. A chap looks out and says to us “Are you guys Team FanyLion?” We are stunned. No-one speaks, no-one moves. Who the ufck is this? A secret agent, come from Chodski’s Indians to assassinate us? A hack from the Dumfries Times wanting to run a story on our Mighty Team? Or something altogether more sinister? How did he recognise out of our cycling kit and off our bikes? We look at one another, and I am first to regain my composure. I as Team Captain step forward towards the car, and speak to our mysterious friend: “Yes, we’re Team FanyLion. How can we help you?” I brace myself for the impact of bullets, or for the click of a tape recorder. None comes. Then, he speaks: “Iain McKenzie, Xtreme Eyewear” and stretches out his hand. It is our sunglasses sponsor! Gasps of amazement slip from the Team’s lips, and it is then we notice the car registration: WII EYX. Iain had said he may come and meet us but had only decided to come at the last minute and hadn’t emailed or rung me during the week so I had completely forgotten. Iain parks his little Caterham and walks into town with us, an integral part of the weird and wonderful world of Team FanyLion.
We meet Big John, sink a couple of beers, Iain leaves after a couple of cokes and we head on for Team Issue Steak & ChipsTM. It is at this point that I quiz Dan as to whether he would fancy joining Team FanyLion as an official member, and he accepts my offer (had has consumed several pints by now and will probably regret his decision in the morning). All we need now is to christen him with a Team name. Team Neo is first in the melting pot (Dan’s surname is Anderson you see), followed by Team Ellsworth, Team Jock and Team Loriaz. None seem fitting. “Where do you work Dan?” someone asks. “In a shortbread factory.” Dan replies. Instantly there is uproar. Eureka. I give you, Team Shortbread.
We drink in two more pubs, ending up in the very hot and sweaty Hole I’ The Wa’, and it is horrible. It is like being a kid again and seeing your mate’s Mum drunk. Not nice. We bale and head for a kebab shop, our Steak & ChipsTM consumed by bike hungry stomach juices hours ago, and eat chicken burgers and chips, then home to bed to dream of wooden villages in the trees, Ewoks and Highland sugared butter biscuits.
Sunday dawns too soon and I can still taste Vodka Red Bull in my mouth and feel it’s nagging pain thumping inside my head. A hearty full English is wolfed down with glee, though 15 minutes later I feel like I might puke. Or shit myself. Or both. At the same time. So I go for the latter, hoping it’s evacuation will help me feel better in the other department, and mercifully it does. John turns up bang on time and we take the scenic coastal route to Dalbeattie, keen to rekindle our sick friendship with the evil Mr Slab and his wicked children.
Whilst not quite as cold as yesterday it is still just a few degrees above freezing as we follow Big John into the first sections of Dalbeattie’s rock outcrops, and after only a few minutes we are way up in the air on top of a huge lump of granite with a near vertical drop in front of us. Dan, Shack and Ben are unsure. I drop down it, followed by Ewok and Sambo. Shack sits at the top looking at it for a good few minutes, but bottles it. No-one else fancies a go and we move on. Shack is angry at his effeminate behaviour, and is worried that as he didn’t dare ride the small (but very steep) drop he will not dare to ride the big one, The Slab.
We take in several technical sections of singletrack linked together by fire road, then the hillside trail opens and we are here, The Qualifier. This is the initiation test for The Slab. If you daren’t ride The Qualifier you don’t earn the right to attempt The Slab. Shack is like a crazed lunatic, almost riding it with his seat fully extended. Keen to rid himself of the Gay Gremlins of Fear that have been sitting on his shoulder since he bottled the first drop, Shack attacks The Qualifier and is first down, followed by Shortbread and myself. And now we meet our Nemesis face to face. It sits beneath us, the steepest, ugliest mutha funking piece of granite you will ever see, huge diagonal grooves torn into it as if by the death throes of some dying beast, lightning flashes overhead, a wolf howls and in the distance a woman screams. OK, not really, but it was still pretty steep and scary. Once again Shack takes the lead, lowering himself over the edge and into space, skilfully picking his way down with a bellow of glory. I follow, my backside almost touching my back wheel as I drag my brakes and lower myself down the crystalline face. I reach the bottom unscathed and Shack and I congratulate one another. We have conquered The Slab. Shortbread is down next, followed by Ewok, who is on fine form. Techno is next up, and begins his run up. Suddenly disaster strikes, and Sam goes fully over the bars at the top of the Slab, falling foul of the cobbly run up. “Oh my God” mutters Big John under his breath, as Sam summersaults over his bars and lands on the rock face, clinging on for dear life as his bike begins it’s pitching, bouncing, cartwheeling descent of the granite wall. Sam has cut his knee but is OK, collects his bike, then he and Shorts complete the Team FanyLion conquering of The Slab. Except for Sheldon, who miserably rides off ahead of the rest of us as we congratulate one another and have another go at riding the beast of all rock descents.
We soon catch Sheldon, who is looking very tired and dejected. We ride a few more technical sections before arriving at The Terrible Twins, Son & Daughter of Slab, two shorter but steeper sections of rock that will test our underpant stain resisting qualities to the limit. Now getting a taste for all things vertical, Shack is over first once again, followed by Ewok, Shortbread, me, Techno and Ben. Sheldon descends steeply into his own personal pit of gloom and we ride on towards Spooky Wood, where Sheldon declares he is too tired to go on. His misery complete, Sheldon returns to the car to wait for us. Shorts is another casualty quick to follow as he snaps his derailleur hanger and has to limp back to the car park.
As we depart Spooky Wood we drop down Giant’s Causeway, a steep manmade rock section that is steeper than it looks. Overly confident, most of us manage to make a mess of the descent, and Ewok comes out with the quote of the weekend as we regroup at the bottom. Full of new found confidence after conquering The Slab, Dean declares “Whoa, that was scary, But not scary enough….”Dean then realised that he had ridden the pitch black Spooky Woods with his sunglasses on, stating that he had done it on purpose to make it more Extreme. rspKt.
We complete the final few technical sections and return to the cars, get changed and pack the bikes. Dan says his goodbyes and heads off whilst the rest of us drive to the garden centre café for a coffee and sandwich before heading home.
A truly awesome weekend for Team FanyLion, having conquered the North Shore at Glentress, ridden The Slab and Son & Daughter of Slab, gained a new member and ridden with great fury and lion-like qualities. All riders improved visibly this weekend, making great improvements in their bike handling skills and extreme riding abilities. And this is only the first outing of the season: who can imagine how good we will be by the time we go to Spain in September? I really, really cannot wait.
Team Hodgson, out.
Riders present
Team Ewok
Team Shack
Team Shorts in Winter
Team Starkey
Team Techno
Team Hodgson
Significant others:
Dan Anderson, King of Loriaz
John Henry, Scottish Trail Pixie
Enjoyment level
Fanytastic