Fanylion Mountain Bike Team
Official site of the Fanylion Mountain Bike Team. Includes mountain bike ride guides, gear reviews, bike maintenance, team reports and rider profiles of the Fanylion Racing Team.
Drumlanrig Castle & Ae Forest
May 13, 2006, Dumfries, Scotland
Organising a Fanylion weekend appears a relatively straightforward task in theory – find a decent part of the country to ride in, book a hotel, and persuade team members from around the UK to attend, the bait being decent trails, banter, steak and chips™ (unless you’re a member of Twin Pin’s renegade veggie faction), a hearty cooked breakfast and plenty of toilet humour. Analysing the concept in greater detail reveals many, many things that could go wrong, not least the fact riding a push bike up and down a mountain is an inherently dangerous activity. Thankfully, Team Fanylion choose to ignore such dangers and, rather than spending the weekend at IKEA, prefer to pass the time knee deep in sheep poo halfway up a hillside.
Tasked with organising the fourth ride of 2006 I took the Team Shack approach - organise the ride as close to your house as possible ensuring a nice leisurely start and finish to the weekend while the rest of the team hammer up and down Britain’s motorways. The fact that I’m currently living in the heart of 7 Stanes country near Dumfries made it an easy decision to make. Over the past few years the Team have ridden most of the 7 stanes to death so I opted for a big natural ride on Saturday followed by a blast round the man-made Ae Forest route on Sunday, the only ‘stane’ we’ve yet to ride together. This would hopefully satisfy both those that prefer the big natural routes and the man made parks. Personally, I like both, both are mountain biking which makes them both good!
Previous experience demonstrated that setting off on a big ride in the hills without having done it before or having confirmation that the trails are decent can result in two distinct scenarios. You either discover brilliant natural trails, hidden gems that are ignored by all by the toughest of sheep or waste a day tramping through a bog. With this in mind I delved into Big John’s immense local route knowledge and then spent the previous couple of weekends exploring the area in detail. My reward was a set of comedy tan lines and a pretty tough route with a bit of everything. The standard loop was around 30 miles with some optional bits near the end to take up to the far more manly distance of 50 miles. I showed John my planned route to which he raised an eyebrow and replied ‘that’s going to f**k a few of the boys up.’ Perfect!!
Saturday morning arrived and, due to a lengthy piss up the night before to celebrate the end of my work placement, I woke up at 8am after a couple of hours kip desperate for a drink (of water) with what felt like a mutant gerbil circumnavigating my cranium. I’ve found such situations are best dealt with by blasting said gerbil out of my head by spending the day biking so I quickly set off to pick up Auld Yin and we arrived at Drumlanrig Castle bang on time. A few phone calls confirmed the team were en route and the weekend seemed to be off to a flier. Team GB arrived having been chauffeured up the motorway by a skinny tall bloke claiming to be Sheldon. Closer inspection and interrogation and the sight of the famed trans-red Heckler revealed that this was indeed Team Starkey, having reaped the fat burning rewards of road biking. Or perhaps he’s just been eating fewer pies? Team Twin Pin arrived and took out his weapon of choice for the weekend – a Yeti AS-X with 7 inches of travel. Although it was kitted out with light wheels and tyres it seemed overkill for the route we were going to do and weighed a ton. Ross explained that it would be good fun on the descents. Fair enough. Trouble is, there ain’t no cable cars in south west Scotland - you climb the hills yourself. Unfortunately the situation took a turn for the worse when my friend Dave rang to say that Andy’s car had suffered a potentially terminal engine failure and that they wouldn’t manage the Saturday ride. Dave’s friend Kieran from Carlisle arrived on time though and after a few introductions fitted in well with the general routine of pre-ride bike talk, banter and toilet humour. Result – he was just as weird as us!
We began the ride in the usual disorganised fashion – what football pundit’s term ‘a comedy of errors’ and what we know as ‘faff.’ Firstly 10 Ton Kona discovered a flat rear shock. Secondly, once this was sorted, I noticed my front tyre was flat. Shortbread, the hater of faff, faffing like a true member of the Oldham faction!
Eventually we got going and it was pleasing to see so many riders wearing the team kit – this gave Kieran the impression of some level of professionalism, unfortunately not backed up by our riding skills. The ride began by mixing fireroads with built singletrack in Drumlanrig Forest Park. After the recent dry spell the trails were rock solid and were enjoyed by all, fast and smooth with the odd tight bend or rocky section thrown in to keep us on our toes. Team GB was screaming along, claiming his lightweight Stumpy was perfect for throwing around the tight singletrack. All too quickly we were spat out by the shore of the picturesque River Nith and followed a flattish trail alongside the river for a few miles before hitting a nice flat road. A couple of miles of tarmac brought us to the foot of the Mennock Pass road to Wanlockhead, a renowned roadie beasting route. As we turned onto the road a roadie rode by to the junction, turned round and blasted back past us up the climb overtaking us. Kieran gave chase and the roadie proved to be that most rare of beasts - a roadie with a sense of humour (Hodgson, this is not an attempt to wind you up, it’s based on years of experience in encountering grumpy roadies. If it does wind you up, well, that’s an added bonus). We soon left the tarmac and rode up to a farm before crossing the brilliantly named Auchentaggart moor. At the farm, a farmer straight out of deliverance told us sternly to enjoy ourselves but to leave the gates as we found them. Yes sir! Another farmer was busy shearing a group of sheep – Shack looked petrified and rapidly pedalled off, fearing for his comedy barnet. After crossing the moor we began to climb, gently at first on the southern upland way on lovely rock hard, grassy, earthy, singletrack.
To our right were the radar stations of Lowther Hill, far way and positioned at over 2300ft. John informed the team that we would climb, descend, climb, descend and then climb up to the radar masts. How the team laughed! The grin on my face confirmed their worst fears.
Ahead of us lay a brutally steep but pretty short grassy climb. I had failed it a couple of weeks ago near the top but knew it was definitely doable™. I led the way, employing the Team Shortbread granny ring gradient defying attack position. For those unaware of the technique, here are the basics. Firstly, position your buttocks right on the tip of the saddle (warning – the pointier your saddle is, the more ‘wrong’ this will feel). Secondly, rest your chin on the stem. A bit of Vaseline smeared on the stem before the ride will prevent any chaffing. Thirdly, allow your elbows to graze the ground before pedalling like a lunatic. Choose a gear one from the top of the cassette – this allows you to get a bit more traction from spinning slightly slower if the going gets loose and also gives you a psychological advantage knowing that you have another gear to use if necessary. I managed to reach the top, cleaning the bit I failed last time and settled down to a well earned snack awaiting the rest of the team.
After a brief stop we descended a super fast grassy trail which despite me new Wiley X specs made my eyes water. Result. We then climbed again, for longer, but on a more gradual gradient, again on excellent singletrack. Unfortunately we witnessed Mother Nature at her most cruel – nope, not a fart by Starkey but a young lamb stood by its dead brothers and sisters bleating for its mum. Its dad, possibly Shack, refused to have anything to do with the soon to be dead orphan despite there being ample room in his camelbak to rescue it. We descended again, on a wider trail which contained some great switchbacks corners. The going got rougher near the bottom and when I got stuck in a rocky rut Team GB took the opportunity to zoom past at warp factor 8. I gave chase but failed to catch the cheeky upstart. We regrouped at the bottom and looked up to witness the bizarre sight of Twin Pin running uphill into the oncoming Fanylion peloton. It seemed like a decent attempt at suicide but was explained by the fact that he’d dropped his camera earlier on the descent.
We followed tarmac into Wanlockhead (Scotland’s highest village) marvelling at the lunar-esque landscape, cultivated by decades of now defunct lead mining. 10 Ton Kona and I found some nice little walls to ride along (wall shore anyone?).
We rode up through the village to the bottom of the tarmac unclassified road which climbed nearly 1000ft up to the radar masts. We agreed to do the climb and then regroup for a well earned dinner break. The team set off at varying speeds, beginning to feel the earlier climbs. I led the way with GB and Kieran, fortunate to be riding a (Cove) Stiffee, perfectly suited to the smooth tarmac, reputedly grazed by our Captain’s road tyres in the not to distance past. As is always the case the pace increased which eventually proved too much for GB who was dropped. Refusing to be beaten by a guest rider I kept the pace up and reached the top. Our efforts were rewarded by stupendous views demonstrating to the team an area of Scotland often neglected in favour of the 7 Stanes and a big descent to the valley floor in the distance. While we chilled out near the top a roadie appeared, blasting up the climb. It was the same dude we’d met at the bottom of the Mennock Pass apparently riding the same climb for the third time in a row. I was shocked! This was serious interval training – a 2000ft climb done 3 times. Rspkt, team shaven legged, EPO injecting, hard man roadie, whoever you are!
The descent began with a super fast, rocky fireroad, very loose and sketchy. 10 Ton Kona went down first to take some pics, perhaps unwisely positioning himself on the outside of the sketchiest bend. He, and we, survived intact and hopped over a gate to ride a sheep track I’d found the previous week. I warned the team of its potential danger – it was straight but super narrow and cut into the side of the hill making it very easy to clip a pedal and come off. We set off with caution. The trail was brilliant, pretty firm, but tough to ride due to it’s narrowness and off camber sections which demanded total concentration.
Twin Pin stacked in front of me, perhaps clipping a pedal, catapulting himself over the bars. His bike bounced, bounced again, and began to slide down the hill to the gully to the left. Fortunately for Ross it stopped and unfortunately for us we were denied the hilarious spectacle of Twin Pin dragging his mammoth-esque bike back up the mountain. We continued downwards with riders frequently changing position due to little mistakes resulting lost momentum – this was one tough little trail! I reached the front before taking a slow line through a boggy section which allowed GB to nip past. About 10 seconds later he made a similar mistake and fell off, somersaulting his way down the hill like a veteran of the Chinese State Circus before his fall was stopped by some nasty looking rocks. Just as I was about to start laughing instinct told me that this looked a little more serious than usual. I reached GB quickly and he informed me that he thought he’d broken his leg. He was in obvious pain and I thought it best not to remind him that the elite faction doesn’t cry.
Rest assured, he didn’t. The others quickly amassed and despite our usual ramshackle nature I’m proud to report that the incident was dealt with professionally. Although we didn’t really believe GB’s leg to be broken, he couldn’t walk so getting him out the valley was going to be tricky. Where was the Fanylion Air Force Faction when we actually needed it??? No one had phone reception so 10 Ton Kona and I hared off and climbed a brutally steep fireroad until we were able to call for help. Meanwhile, the rest of the team began the task of carrying GB out the valley to the fireraod. Kona and I reached the main road and intercepted the ambulance about 3 miles from where he incident had occurred. It arrived remarkably quickly but was never going to get up and over the steep fireroad to meet GB so the paramedics persuaded a local farmer to drive them up the track in his quad bike with a trailer attached for GB! In true Fanylion style faff™ resulted when it was found the trailer had a flat tyre. Once the tyre was pumped the quad set off leaving Kona and I at the bottom to be verbally abused by the farmer’s young son. I translated for Al. After about 20 minutes or so we heard the quad coming back down the hill and were treated to the immortal sight of Team GB in the trailer flanked by Fanylion with one of the paramedics riding GB’s bike down the hill, his sturdy boots balanced precariously on his eggbeater pedals!
The 2007 calendar cover shot has been taken! The sight will live me until I die; it was one of the true all time great Fanylion moments. Except Chris had a pretty serious injury. It should be noted the superb effort the team had put in to get GB so far from the scene of the crash, making the rescue services job much easier than it could have been. Apparently GB had ridden up the fireroad pedalling with one leg while being pushed by the other riders. Rspkt. Grant this man elite status now!!!
While GB was carted off to hospital we blasted back down the road, lost time meaning the extra loop was impossible. Auld Yin and Twin Pin hared off leaving the rest of us to lead our own chain gang. The reformed Team Starkey did much of the legwork, beasting us down the road in a manner he’d have found impossible 6 months ago. Back at the cars we quickly headed to the Nith Hotel in Glencaple, 4 miles south of Dumfries while Starkey went to pick up GB and his bike.
Booking a hotel that required a taxi journey into Dumfries was deliberate. My reasoning was that it would force the team members who prefer to go to bed at 9pm with a cup of ovaltine no option but to come out and have a few more beers than normal. You know who you are!
At the hotel we met up with Andy and Dave, who’d hired a car, and sank a few deserved pints awaiting the return of GB. It transpired he’d broken his leg in two places but as the breaks were clean he’d be back on his bike sooner than expected. (Unfortunately it now appears he needs his ankle pinned which means he’ll be off the bike for about 3 months, missing the most of the summer. Bummer. Get well soon mate). We settled down to the traditional Fanylion fare of Steak and Chips™ after a deserved starter, served by the campest waiter in the world. Exceptions to the rule were Al who ate Steak Pie (deemed to be acceptable) and Twin Pin who doesn’t like steak and ate something called fish (deemed to be unacceptable). Ross has began is own renegade vegetarian faction. Population: Ross. After 5 minutes of abuse we left him alone, bewildered at his excuse that he didn’t like the taste. Is this man a true Lion?
Fed and watered we awaited our mini bus which I’d pre-booked to deliver us into Dumfries. Driven in by the friendliest taxi driver in the world, surprisingly tolerant of the third smelliest fart in the world ever (who was it??!?!??!??!) we were dropped off and arranged a pick up time in the small hours. The usual witterings ensued and after discussing the legendary Kamikaze downhill race Twin Pin retold the story of his friend getting married at the top before the congregation jumped onto their bikes and rode down the course led by the bride and groom. Hmmmm! How many pints had you had Ross?!!
Led by Auld Yin on his home turf we visited a couple more pubs in town. John was setting a furious (walking) pace, forgetting that GB was on crutches! We ended up in the legendary Hole in the Wa’, Scotland’s sweatiest pub. It was it’s usual self, packed full of punters attempting to sing karaoke. Dave reckoned he could do better and persuaded the MC to let him sing Wannabee by the Spice Girls. Okaaaayyyyyy.
To his eternal credit he performed the song with gusto and avoided getting a sound beating although we did pretend he wasn’t with us. Dave, if you ever become a paid up member of Team Fanylion choose from the following team names: Spice Girl/Boy or Wannabee. Doesn’t sound as manly or rugged as Team Shortbread does it?
Our taxi arrived and after getting a totally hammered GB aboard we made our way home.
After a long sleep we awoke for brekkie at 9am. The team issue fry up was wolfed down by all but the vegetarian faction who received a puzzled look from the waitress – was she thinking what we were thinking? After dropping GB off at the hospital to have his cast looked at we made our way to Ae forest.
Very little faff ensued and we were quickly riding after admiring Andy’s Nomad (it looks better in the flesh, honest and seems to ride much lighter than it is). Going up the first singletrack climb I suffered my customary mechanical. On the last ride my seat collar had snapped, and on previous rides I’ve had cranks fall off, shifters disintegrate and brake pads fall out. This time the bolt holding my top jockey wheel in decided to work loose, scattering my mech all over the trail. Luckily we found all the parts and it wasn’t long before we were underway again.
Ae proved to be good fun with lots of swoopy stuff but rockier than some other centres and with some huge berms as well. Despite the long ride the day before and the booze the night before we nipped along at a fair old rate. After one section containing a nasty step we regrouped to await Team Starkey. And waited. Eventually a group of riders rode past asking if Sheldon was with us. It transpired that he’d been in front of them and had gone over the step a bit wrong and landed on his bonce! One of the lads who’d witnessed the stack described it as ‘monumental.’ Rspkt. He was a bit shaken up so decided to go back to the car on his own. This is the usual Fanylion response to an injury, sort it out yourself! We only stop for proper injuries like broken legs, not mild concussion!
After one rocky downhill section Twin Pin was leading but I could see Andy itching to get by and give his Nomad a proper workout. Displaying true Fanylion potential he missed out a sharp left turn, bisected a tree and Twin Pin and roared past. Passing on your left indeed! I remained close to Twin Pin’s rear wheel, not getting to close in case I couldn’t see any upcoming obstacles, or worse, should Ross decide to fart. I got past at a fireorad crossing where Ross claimed to be riding like a girl – hope you don’t read this Lara!
The rest of the trail followed the traditional 7 Stanes formula, a mix of fireroad and singletrack climbs and descents. On one section Dave thought it would be fun to ride into a tree – Team Tree Hugger? After a long fireroad blast we reached the top of the last descent, the infamous Omega man. We waited for Ross. And waited for longer. Where was he? Eventually he arrived sounding more like a pregnant asthmatic hippo than a mountain biker. Stuffing energy gels down his neck Ross seemed to be regretting the decision to bring the Yeti! Here’s a tip mate – check who’s organising the ride before you decide whether a freeride bike is suitable! There would be no 4 mile runs for Team Twin Pin after this weekend! The descent was quality, big jumps and drops and at the bottom everyone told of a lucky escape or hairy incident. We noticed a skinny near the bottom begging to be ridden. At its highest point it was only about 5 feet off the ground but it was pretty narrow. Andy, Kona and I went for a look and Andy rode it without batting an eyelid.
Al and I decided we had no choice now but to attempt it. Kona rode it as smoothly as Andy leaving me left on my own at the top feeling lonely and vulnerable. I had numerous attempts at getting on the obstacle and fell of at the start on one attempt.
It was only when the abuse from the others started that my mind was focused. This was now a must ride obstacle!!! Finally I got on and, despite wobbling around like sumo wrestler on a tightrope, made it to the end. Phew!
After a quick change we bade our farewells, tired and satisfied after another cracking weekend. Rspkt to those that attended and rspkt to Team GB – get well soon mate. I hereby propose a new team name though. Team Quad Bike Rescue is far more dramatic than Team Great Britain. That is what GB stands for isn’t it?
Shortbread, out
Riders present
Shortbread
Auld Yin
10 Ton Kona
Shack
Starkey
Twin Pin
Team Quad (Formerly Team GB)
Significant Others
Kieran Barr
David MacDonald
Andy Toop
Enjoyment level
"quad" tastic...