Eastnor Deer Park

June 24, 2006, Malvern Hills

Well here we are, for the third year running, the Pride are geared up for another attack on the famous Saab Salomon Mountain Mayhem. On each of the previous years’ attempts’ the Rain Gods had won the day, causing bike breakdown, mental breakdown and general hatred of all things two wheeled and geared. Or not when the mud and kack conspire to reduce a rear mech to pulp.

As the race has always coincided with that other mass endurance event (Glastonbury Festival) I have been unable to attend, but with a fallow year occurring down in Summerset I had no excuse so after collecting Bergerac from London’s Victoria Station we headed out of town drenched in beautiful warm sunshine and full of enthusiasm for a dry and warm SSMM.

Arriving at the site all was well, Sheldon and Downhill Maniac had made good time and were busy setting up tents as close to the race course as possible (about 1m give or take). Pretty soon all the remaining members of the team were rolling in and the day was beginning to take on a decidedly holiday feel. This was in part helped by the lack of Elite team members and their general bike porn/geek witterings. And the booze being downed rather too quickly.

After several beers it was decided to track down a local boozer for a round of ale and Steak and Chips™. Unfortunately I proceeded to lead the team two, three even perhaps four miles the wrong way before this idea was abandoned in place of a BBQ and a few of the remaining cans. Myself and Bergerac however would not be defeated in our quest for ale and continued to ride all over the Malverns until beers were secured.

Over night the weather gods decided to play their one and only joker in the shape of a tearing thunder storm at around 5am. We sat upright in our tents thinking ‘here we go again’. However, after half an hour of dread and the thought of Hodgson laughing smugly in his own warm and dry bed, the rain stopped, sleep was resumed and the team awoke bright and breezy to a fine hot and sunny morning.

The remainder of the pre race time was wasted in a haze of bike fettling, tyre buying and general Faff ™

2 o’clock arrived and Mastiles and Team Triple X (otherwise known as White Sox) lined up trim and ready at the start. After a few photo’s and a couple of nervous gags the boys were off and the race had begun. Within 25mins Triple X had flashed past the team camp and the 1st split was underway. Mastilles was keeping him in check but what was really worrying the team was the overall lap times, previously laps had taken up to two hours as members drudged their way through the mud. However, this year times were definitely going to come in well under and hour giving team members only two or three hours between laps to fettle bikes, eat, SSS and sleep.

Over the course of the next few hours both teams completed two laps each with Fanylion Too keeping Jaun at bay by around 10-15 mins. Triple X had set a keen pace and myself, Sheldon and Shack were doing all we could to keep ourselves ahead.

It was during these opening few hours that a strange phenomenon occurred, whilst accepted by those with brains as large as Steven Hawkins as possible it had yet to occur, in this country at least.

Time travel…

As each member of the team completed a lap, their lap time was electronically logged in the race tent and by the rider on the main race clock, these lap times were then reported to the waiting members and cross-referenced with what we could see and time ourselves in the form of a split between the teams.

Despite assurances that Fanylion Jaun were lapping at around the 40 – 42 minute mark they seemed unable to close the gap on Fanylion Too who were lapping at around 43 – 45 minute (Triple X being the exception) now as explained earlier strange things were afoot in those hills time travel being possible or could it have been denial…

As night began to fall, it was agreed to start double lapping as the teams settled in for extended breaks and a little bit of sleep, Bergerac and I had invested a small fortune in fresh meat products ready for the BBQ on the way to the race however the reality was that cooking food was not an option. Bacon butties, jacket potatoes and Red Bull from the various food tents were the order of the day – along with any sweets, chocolates or biscuits that had been left out by team members out on their laps.

The night time double lap was for me a 1st. Leaving camp at around 23.30 lights on, i-Pod on, riding to the sounds of Orbital, Crystal Method and various other weirdness was by far the highlight of the race, two hours in the saddle that could have not been beaten including an overtaking manoeuvre on Downhill Maniac as he cursed his bike and lack of SPD’s whilst veering violently across the track on the only mud on the course.

With members now taking the opportunity to sleep change overs were becoming more tricky. After making plans to stop and wake following riders on the second lap Twin Pin found himself in ‘The Zone’, unable and unwilling to stop for even a few seconds, he proceeded to wake up the entire team, the whole field and probably half the county of Worcestershire with the cry ‘ MASTILLES WAKE UP, YOU’RE UP NEXT’ popular, the man wasn’t…

With fatigue setting in as well as stomach cramps from drinking too much Red Bull, the teams set about completing their final laps, uni cyclists, strange people with ironing boards on their backs as well as the properly loopy single speed solo riders continued to creak by past the tents.

The previous evening I had ridden along the main ridge of the course whilst watching the Argentina v Mexico World Cup second round match and had sat watching extra time with many fellow riders upon my return. It was at this point the decision was made to abandon the final two hours of the race in favour of watching England v Equador the following afternoon in the comfort of my own flat.

After much discussion the football faction of myself, Bergerac, Downhill Maniac, Sheldon and Shack began to pack up, drink a beer, feel very weird and generally Faff ™ Triple X being the true highlander he is, had no interest in the football, least of English football and so chose to ride three consecutive laps in true Boy Band style to complete the race and ensure Team Too a higher finishing place.

Twin Pin and Mastiles could not let this show of endurance go unchallenged and chose to fight on to the finish ensuring full completion times for both teams, completing an extra lap each over and above the other team members.

It was a top weekend that saw many a Fanylion member green with envy at not competing due to their fear of the weather, whilst also confirming that true Elite team membership can only be granted to a selected few.

Next year we ride again as long as I don’t get tickets to Glastonbury and the weather can be guaranteed.

TTK OUT.

Fanylion Mountain Bike Team

Official site of the Fanylion Mountain Bike Team. Includes mountain bike ride guides, gear reviews, bike maintenance, team reports and rider profiles of the Fanylion Racing Team.

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Eastnor Deer Park

June 24, 2006, Malvern Hills

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